It actually all started when I was having the most wonderful day. I woke up cheery, which is hard to do on a Monday. I went to yoga which really opened me up. And then I went to work. At work, I am kinda known to be a bit of a hugger, I made sure everyone had their morning dose of love.
And then it happened…my immediate supervisor, who honestly would be amazing as an inventory control person but doesn’t have the greatest people skills and therefore should not be allowed in charge of humans, tried to “discipline” me by being ultra micro-managery. Ever have one of those bosses? He just sucks the positive energy right out of me…ugh.
Any who… My other personality, the ego, appeared as defensiveness. My mind was racing. Oh believe me, I had many choice words I wanted to say. Really I wanted to punch him in the nose. But I didn’t.
Actually, I silently observed my mind. Without judgement.
It took a lot of patience only observing my mind and not acting out. I noticed anger, frustration, pride and even some humiliation. I tried really hard not to judge these feelings, only to observe them. And then I realized while I was listening to my own mind, I was not really listening to my supervisor. So I quickly began to focus on him. Ignoring the way he made me “feel”, and releasing that power I gave him over me, I was able to complete the task he really wanted me to do.
I felt success at conquering my normal reaction of defensiveness.
I wish this was the end of my story. I wish I could say I was not controlled by my mind anymore. But I suppose I wouldn’t be human then.
No, in fact after lunch the same day, my supervisor pulled me into a conference room to tell me more “rules” I was breaking (is this guy for real?) and then he cut my hours for the day. Okay can I punch him now? No? Fine.
For the next few hours I cried and fought with my ego.
My past self would not have let him talk to me the way he did. He would not have locked me in a room to discuss things. I would have pushed him till he broke or backed down. I would have stood up for myself and everyone would have known about it!
But I am trying so hard to not be that person.
This is my true fight. At what point do you walk away to keep your sanity? And when do you stand up for yourself? What if the two conflict with one another? What if your finances are determined by these questions?
So I took a big risk and decided to choose me. Again I chose to observe my emotions and feelings and not judge them. This time alone. In meditation.
I know what kind of person I want to be. I know who I am. And I know what kind of person I have been. And since I know for a fact that this particular supervisor is not going anywhere and I cannot expect him to change (especially since this is a recurring event)…I must change my surroundings. So I cut my own hours so I don’t have to work with him and will be looking for other ways to make/save money.
This is scary. My ego has me fighting for my “rights” and staying for “the paycheck”. However I truly believe if you take time to listen, to really listen to yourself quietly, you know what to do. So I am choosing happiness and peace and believing I will be okay.