I am love. I choose joy.

Most people when they meet me see a balanced human/spiritual being.  I am a lot of fun to be around and a great listener.  As I let people in near me, they see another side of me.  

I have been out of balance and not centered most of my life.  I have struggled with anxiety, depression and manic bouts of moodiness.  It has destroyed every relationship I have been in and strained many friendships.  Its that “thing” about me I’ve been trying to “fix” my whole life.

So the beginning of this year I took some time off to travel, clear my mind, meditate, be with nature and reconnect.  I have been on the road for 42 weeks.  I would love to tell you I have all my ducks in a row and that I fully understand my chakras and that my emotions are stable and that yati yati ya… I want to say “I fixed me”.  

But how do you fix something that is not actually broken?!? 

You see, I thought if I could just do this or just do that everything would magically fall into place and I would somehow…not be me.  And then all my relationships would be blissful and I would live happily ever after.

Ha! Hahahahahahaha.  Oh boy! Ha ha ha!! Snort. Ha ha ha!! Hold on while I laugh at myself!!!

Here is what I have learned about myself and those “things” I have struggled with:

  • I am a spiritual being having a human experience 
  • My human mind is a sponge for information 
  • The information my mind collects, if repeated enough, becomes my truth, my reality and my life.
  • I am an emotional human being 
  • My emotions are windows into my mind and the experience I am having as a human being
  • My emotions do not define me.  
  • I am completely whole just as I am
  • I am love.
  • I choose joy.

So what does that all mean and how does this apply to “fixing” the unbroken?!?

First off I don’t believe I’m broken.  I am just having a human experience.  Those manic emotions, including anxiety and depression, that seem to get in the way of everything…they are clues. Something is different.  Notice I didn’t say something is “wrong”.  This is huge! At least for me.  

So what’s different?  Well for me to really know, my human self needs to listen to my spiritual self.   And the only way I know how to do that, is to connect with my breath, to scan my body for pain and to identify which emotion(s) I am experiencing.  This means I have to observe my mind without judgement.  

Let me take a second to just say I have been observing my mind nearly non-stop since I began this journey.  I have been observing my mind to understand my triggers and to change past behaviors.  It is difficult when its spinning out of control and causing my emotions to explode, to not judge my thoughts and the emotions attached to them.  And let me also say it is possible!!  Especially if I can remember that although I am an emotional human being, my emotions do not define me.  

By connecting with my breath, I bring my awareness to the present moment.  This allows me to scan my body.  What I’m looking for are signs of pain.  This is a good indication that my chakras are out of balance.  Now I am relatively new to understanding my chakras and there was a time in my life where I didn’t believe in them.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  And with easy access to the interweb, I can simply type in “shoulder neck pain chakra” and easily find out it is connected to my throat chakra.  And I can do the same thing for my emotions.  

The second thing is my mind believes everything it hears.  It’s a sponge. It’s job is to gather information and use it to protect me. The problem is, it believes everything it hears.  Hense why the “news” is a great way to brainwash or mind control other humans.  Again, it’s difficult to not judge my mind and want to “fix” it. But in reality, my mind is doing its job.

So how do I “fix” something that’s not broken? The solution is in the problem…my mind believes everything thing it hears!  

Every chance I remember that I am a spiritual being having an emotional human experience, I repeat to myself “I am love. I choose joy.” So I am essentially re-programming my mind.  

Does it help? Yes. Do I always remember…eventually.

The third part of this “fixing” equation is pausing before reacting to give myself time to respond.  In doing so it gives me time.  Time to connect with my breath.  Time to scan my body and balance my chakras. Time to observe my mind and emotions. And time to respond instead of reacting.  

Now I’m pretty good at remembering to put in to practice all of the above when I am alone.  And it is just that, practice.  I’m actually quite good at balancing myself. But throw another person in the mix, especially someone I love …that’s a bit harder for me.  Probably because I become so attached, I foget I am completely whole just as I am.  And I take EVERYTHING personally.  Which is exhausting.  And not helpful.  They too are a spiritual being having a human experience. Nothing they say or do has anything to do with me, really.  So really when I feel offended or hurt by someone else, it would be great to remember it’s an opportunity to practice balancing myself.  

I am love. I choose joy.

Thanks for listening.  Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

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