Even happy people can find themselves in a spiraling mind fuck.
There are a million reasons why we may feel death is a better option than where we are right now. And I’m not here to tell you which option is better. I am here to tell you that there are people who are willing to listen without judgement to your story. Because sometimes all it takes is having someone listen to give you a new perspective, some hope, to feel loved.
If you are contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone. The National Suicide Prevention Line is: 1-800-273-8255
Most people see me as a happy-go-lucky girl. Floating through life on a spiritual journey, saving the world one hug at a time. And on most days, I see myself that way too.
On Monday night however, I found myself in the middle of a parking lot, hugging a tree, balling my eyes out, begging the universe to show me a sign to keep moving forward. My mind had given up on me. My mind had spun out of control telling me all the reasons to give up. I frantically went through my list of contacts contemplating who to call, who could rescue me, who could tell me to not give up. My mind convinced me it was better to not worry anyone. So I didn’t call you. I didn’t text you. I didn’t reach out.
Instead, I found myself in a pool of tears, wrapped around a tree praying to the universe for a sign.
What’s interesting is how not one person that passed me, stopped. Not even the cop that drove by. Maybe they thought I was just meditating or a crazy tree hugger. Regardless, my mind viewed each passer-byer as another sign to give up.
The only thing I had going for me was my refusal to carry a gun on this trip..and a couple of really good friends who happened to reach out to me at that very moment.
And in that moment, I told each of them I was struggling. They both told me they loved me. One told me she was breathing with me and it was okay to cry and let it all out.
So I did. I held onto that tree and weeped until all that was left was exhaustion. Then I crawled into my car and went to sleep.
I’m doing much better. Thank you.
I contemplated whether or not to write this. I know this will cause some of you to worry about me. Please don’t spend your thoughts and energy on worry. Instead, please think positive thoughts. I survived. I am moving forward. My mind and I are working things out.
It is important to me to post this because I realized how important it is to reach out to others.
I did not call the suicide hotline because the number wasn’t in my phone. It’s in there now. I advise you to do the same. You never know when you may be browsing your contacts looking for someone to help.
Thanks for listening and feel free to repost.
Love and hugs, Adventure Mel