I manifested this…

Do you ever just have one of those days? You know, where your car cylinder spits out the spark plug so you are stuck on the side of the road? Both times it happened to me, I couldn’t have been happier for the chance to practice just being in the now. I wasn’t stressed. Tired, maybe. Not sure where the money was coming from. But grateful, for sure.

The first time was a couple of weeks ago. I was driving back to Seattle from Vegas, after a short visit in Utah. I made it all the way to North Bend, WA. I was almost there when my car suddenly sounded like a lawn mower. I pulled over and immediately knew I needed a tow truck. Wires were ripped, brackets broken and a sparkplug on top of the engine. Did not look good.

I made several phone calls, each helpful and leading to the next call. With confirmation that a tow truck was on its way, the waiting game began. I took that time to stand in the sun and thank the universe for all my blessings given and coming. It made for a happy wait.

Randy, the tow truck driver, was amazing! He was friendly and extremely helpful. He took one look at my engine and knew immediately he could fix it. Which he did! He also shared war stories and how he lost a finger. I hugged him twice! As I was leaving he waived and called out “Now, you are that much closer to Spain!”

Yes! I’m heading to Spain on Monday for two months. And I certainly needed my car to make some money. Especially since I’ve been delivering food. It was my “delivering food to eat food” plan. And with Randy’s help, I was off to a good start.

I also want to point out that I did not suffer from anxiety. Nor did I suffer from worry or negative thoughts. I was in the flow of life. And I couldn’t be happier. With that being said, I was very aware of how little was in my bank account.

My practice is viewing everything as an opportunity to gather information and grow. This has been a game changer. And it has changed my relationship with myself and how I suffer.

“The goodness of suffering is something real. Without suffering there cannot be happiness. Without mud there cannot be any lotus flowers. So if you know how to suffer, suffering is OK. And the moment you have that attitude, you don’t suffer much anymore. And out of suffering, a lotus flower of happiness can open.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh 

When I think of suffering, I think about my grandpa who passed away one year ago, today. It was sudden and unexpected. His body was attacked by gangrene after an open-heart surgery. He had to have limbs amputated. Although he worked hard in recovery, and despite his positive attitude and great effort, he surrendered to the suffering and quickly began his soul adventure. It only took a few days. It was difficult and beautiful to witness.

It wasn’t that long ago I, too, was suffering. Thankfully not from gangrene or open-heart surgery. But it did involve my heart. I was heart-broken and I was in a downward spiral of attachment, abandonment and sorrow. I saw no way out. I wanted my suffering to end. And as hard as I tried, I could not seem to control the suffering. I felt as though I had to surrender.

In surrendering to my suffering, I dug deep into myself. This released blocked energy and I began healing generational wounds. Everything has more meaning to me and every moment counts. So how did I surrender? How did I work with the pain? And most intriguing, how did this healing drive me to Spain? Well, it’s been a long and on-going process that I am currently writing a book about. So, stay tuned. However, what I will share is in December, before I left Arizona to head to Seattle to get my tabs renewed and begin healing, I fatefully met someone who would help transform my life and give me hope. She gave me 6 months to get my life together and open up my chakras. Then I would meet her in Barcelona, where she would train me to become a Kundalini Yoga Instructor.

“Kundalini is the term for a “spiritual energy or life force located at the base of the spine, conceptualized as a coiled-up serpent.” The practice of Kundalini yoga is supposed to arouse the sleeping Kundalini Shakti from its coiled base through the 6 chakras, and penetrate the 7th chakra, or crown”
 

 -Wikipedia 

My healing these last 6 months included:

• 10 weeks of Muay Thai Kickboxing

• Hundreds of sun salutations

• New Moon and Full Moon Rituals

• Crying, weeping really, on my yoga mat

• Deep, meaningful and vulnerable conversations

• Lots and lots of pushups

• Meditation, mantras, pradas, chanting and drumming

• Writing chapters upon chapters

• Creating art

• Walking barefoot in the desert

• Connecting with my breath

• So much more…again, stay tuned for a book…or three!

One of the most therapeutic and beautiful ways I worked through my suffering was creating art. What I thought would be dark and painful turned out to be my “light and love” series.

I am no longer suffering and am heading out to Spain on Monday.

A few days ago, I found myself, once again, on the side of the road with a spark plug ejected from the engine with a little more damage than before. It wiped out half of my savings, which wasn’t much to begin with. As I stood on the side of the road gathering information and looking for opportunities to grow, I saw how I manifested this. All of it really.

I wanted to fall in love. I did. I wanted to understand my triggers. I was triggered. A lot. I gathered information each time. I used to say, “I have to learn the hard way” and “I have to hit rock bottom to really grow”. Manifested the fuck out of those two statements. I now say “I am worthy of giving and receiving love” and “the whole universe is on my side”. Manifesting that now! I wanted to continue my spiritual journey and become a yoga instructor. That is happening. The universe brought the people I needed in my life to make that happen. And I wanted to experience life with bare minimum so that I could fully trust the universe. I manifested my car problems and ultimately minimal money. I do trust the universe. I trust myself. I also know life doesn’t have to be hard anymore. So, when I return from Spain I will be putting my art up for sale. Maybe some of you would like to support me on my quest to becoming the best version of myself while I still have time on this earth.

I want to open up my crown chakra. I want to arouse the sleeping Kundalini Shakti. I want to understand how I move energy. I want to understand deeper who I am and claim my healing powers. I want to love deeply and vulnerably. I want to learn to grow dirt. I want to talk to trees. I am a student of this earth and my connection to my soul and source are strong.

My grandpa would be proud of how I am living my life and the continual steps I take.

I will catch up with all of you when I return. Enjoy your summer and connection with your breath.

Love and Hugs, Adventure Mel

Perspective on finding my bravery

Recently I went to Boston, MA where I attended a personal mastery workshop. You know, a three to five day self improvement workshop where you work on vulnerability and learn about your personal strengths. We talked about the way the mind works, mindfulness, archetypes, Heart space, essence , choices and respect. We meditated, shared in groups, made connections, played and worked on trust. For some, this was a real turning point. An awakening in their lives. For some, it was a real struggle. A mirror they were not prepared for. For me, it was continued personal growth and a real defining point of bravery and freedom.  

One particular exercise I participated in was called “life boat”. It began with a meditation.  
I quite enjoy meditation. I have been meditating for some years now. I practice nearly every moment I can. Washing the dishes mindfully has become a joyful practice. But not all meditation is joyful. Sometimes it’s heart wrenching and healing.

When I closed my eyes and placed my hand on my heart, I was aware I was entering into a familiar yet uncomfortable place. As I was guided, suddenly I found myself on an airplane, over the ocean, about to crash. My palms began to sweat, heat rushed through my body and tears poured from eyes. My heart pounded faster and faster. PTSD was flooding my being.  

I have never been in a plane crash. I have lost a lover in one though.  

I was uncomfortable and wanted to run away. My practice for months had been “sitting in my uncomfortableness” and this night was a true test to what I was learning.  

Tears poured as I sat there feeling. Memories of my lovers crash flooded my mind. I acknowledged each thought as “a thought” and brought my attention to the safety of my heart space. I let myself be on the plane. I felt the shaking. I could hear the screaming of fear and metal twisting. I noticed my breathing. Everything was spinning. Just sitting in my chair became a struggle. I wanted to scream. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.  

“Open your eyes”

I was shaking and crying. I needed to leave.

As calmly and swiftly as I could, I walked to the back of the room through an ocean of emotional souls. The empath in me was overwhelmed. The ptsd was persistent. The protector in me was looking for safety . The buddhist, grounding.  

As I pushed through the doors, words exploded “Fuck. Fuckity Fuck! I was not expecting that”. I found a hallway and collapsed. I began sobbing.  

The cold floor helped ground me. In fact if I lifted my hands, I would immediately lose control. And the second I touched the cold floor with my hands, I felt grounded. It was surreal to experience.  

A group of women lovingly surrounded me. They asked me what I needed. To my surprise, I clearly and concisely expressed my needs. “Touch is fine. Please don’t move me. I am grounding myself”. And with that, I did. Suddenly I could lift my hands to my heart and sit up. I deeply breathed.  

I excused myself.

After getting up and washing my hands and face, I looked in the mirror and smiled. I understood my freedom. I knew it was time to be brave.

As I returned to the group of women, I told them I needed to return to the exercise. They turned to each other and discussed it, as if they had a choice in the matter. How cute. Then one woman stopped the discussion, turned to me and explained what I was about to walk in on. I was going to be asked to defend why I deserve one of the few seats on the lifeboat. Was I prepared to do that?

I looked this woman in the eye “Ready? No. But I still am going to do it” with a big grin, she opened the door for me. I bravely walked back into that room.

Groups of people sat on the floor while one person from each group had 40 seconds to stand and plead their case. Some gave up their seat. Some begged to be saved. Some froze and stood there balling. Some didn’t stand at all. Others still, calmly and bravely stood up for themselves. They had a purpose. Then it was my turn.  

I, again, as calmly and bravely as I could, stood before my group. I took a deep breath. “I’ve lived a full life and I have zero regrets. I give up my seat. And it feels appropriate to die in a plane crash, as my lover did too.” The room fell silent. I stood in my power for the remaining 30 seconds. It was unbelievably uncomfortable. And incredibly empowering. 

The next part of the exercise we stood before our group again as we were voted in or out of the lifeboat. Receiving criticism, even helpful, is a challenge for the ego. I welcomed it. After all, wasn’t this the whole reason I was there, to learn more about myself? Yes, of course.  

The first person did not vote me in and said they saw my reaction as suicidal. The next person did not vote me in either because I asked them not to. However who they felt I was did not match my words of surrender so it was not their preferred choice . The next several people also believed my words did not match my essence. They felt I should be on the boat because I would make a great leader. Except they DID vote me in, even though I asked them not to.  

So whose right? The person who respected my wishes and let me give up my seat? The people who said I would be a great leader and voted me in anyways? Was my reaction suicidal?  

I did not feel suicidal. I know what that feels like. Yet, I could see how it would appear that way. I was letting go.

I am a great leader. And I am helpful in chaotic situations. Great leaders also make sure everyone is safe first. Giving up my seat could be viewed as brave.

And the person who respectfully voted me off the boat, their decision was not one they wanted to make. My essence or light shines much too brightly.

So I suppose we were all right. It just depends on who’s shoes you are in. It’s all perspective.  

The next morning, after the best rest I had all weekend, we finished the exercise by sharing what we gained from this experience. Standing tall with confidence, I spoke “Last night was one of the hardest things I ever went through. I struggled with PTSD. However I found that my vulnerability and strength go hand in hand instead of one or the another. Also for the first time ever, I recognized my bravery as it was happening. And most importantly, I learned I did not abandon myself”

I did not abandon myself. I am both brave and vulnerable. I am a warrior.

I am thankful for this entire experience. I learned so much about myself.

A few weeks later I had a dream I was in a plane crash. No one should have survived. Yet I found myself at the doorstep of the person who created, founded and facilitated the workshop I was at. When she opened the door she was both surprised and not surprised to see me. When you are that connected with the universe , you expect the unexpected. My only words to her were, “I got on the fucking life boat.” She embraced me and I woke up…laughing. 

Love and hugs, Adventure 

Creating Happiness

Chatting with a friend this morning about a ritual I have created.  I call it “Best Day Ever” or BDE for short.  Basically since January 1st of this year the first three words out of my mouth are “Best Day Ever!” 

Another part of the ritual, I read the corresponding day’s message from Thich Nhat Hahn’s book “Your True Home”.  The entire message is about mindfulness. Something I need more of.  

Today is day 83

A Deeper View of Life

The work of acknowledging everything in mindfulness leads us to a deeper view of what life is. It is very important to understand that impermanence is not a negative aspect of life. Impermanence is the very basis of life. If what exists were not impermanent, no life could continue. If a grain of corn were not impermanent , it could not become a corn plant. If a tiny child were not impermanent, she could not grow into an adult.

Life is impermanent, but that does not mean that it is not worth living. It is precisely because of its impermanence that we value life so dearly. Therefore we must know how to live each moment deeply and use it in a responsible way. If we are able to live the present moment completely, we will not feel regret later. We will know how to care for those who are close to us and how to bring them happiness. When we except that all things are impermanent, we will not be incapacitated by suffering when things decay and die. We can remain peaceful and content in the face of continuity and change, prosperity and decline, success and failure.

I forward the message to several friends I have felt called to share it with along with the text: “Best Day Ever”.  

Some of my friends, including the one I was chatting with this morning are finding themselves forwarding the message along too. This brings me great joy.  

I was sharing with my friend why I began this ritual.  I needed a way to change my thought patterns.  It wasn’t that long ago my mind spun out of control and I lost my happiness and will to live.  Basically I had become incapacitated by my own suffering.  Things are different now.  I understand that my mind needs nurturing too.  This is only one of the many things I have been doing to help myself.  But this one really sets the tone for the day.  And sharing it with others has kept me accountable.  

Life is hard enough…its my job to nurture myself, heal myself and love myself…this is how I create my happiness!  And being mindful keeps me in the present moment. 

Happy Adventure Friday, my friends!  And have the Best Day Ever!! 

Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

A Year of Adventure

One year ago today I left for quite the adventure. Being lead by the universe, listening to my inner self and seizing once in a life time moments, I drove through 39 states and stayed in 25 of them.  I visited over 25 National Parks, Monuments and Forests.  I hiked trails all over the country.  Wow is earth beautiful! I witnessed hundreds of sunrises and sunsets. Some so spectacular, tears poured down my cheeks.  

For those of you who don’t know, I turned my car into a camper.  It had three rows of seats and I took out the back two.  With my uncle’s help, I built a storage box that held my pantry, art supplies, tools and misc items.  On top of that I put a twin mattress…a real bed!! Surrounding the bed I built shelves and misc cubbies to hold all my things.  (I even have a little library filled with books on astrology, meditation, living in the moment, yoga, mindful eating and tantric sex.). The ceiling was put to good storage use as well.  I attached netting to hold clothes, maps and miscellaneous items.  I even hung tapestries up completing the “blanket fort” feel.  

Although my camper was super comfy, I only slept in my car 1/3 of the time.  The rest of the time family and friends, both old and new showered their love and generosity on me.  

I am blessed for sure!

Without a clear plan, my journey led me around the country in figure eights.  Living my whole year “feeling” it out, I stopped when I needed to and picked up and got going when I felt called to. This is not to say I didn’t plan at all.  Quite the contrary.  Planning included reviewing maps, checking weather, deciding which National Parks to visit and looking over my budget.  Because of planning I was able to check off three bucket list items (Crater Lake, New England in Autumn and the Florida Keys). What I didn’t plan but rather allowed to unfold were the routes I would take, friends I would meet, daily adventures I would have and all the emotions I would face.  

I sit here now in the same place I left a year ago.  It’s raining just as it was then.  Today feels surreal.  As it did then too.  I find many similarities between then and now.  Including exciting adventures that await me and the mysteries in between.  I am eager as I was before.  This time though, I have a year of experience in uncharted territory and “feeling” my way through this magical thing we call life!

Left: day one (2/19/2016), Right: day 365

Happy Adventuring my friends!  Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

Nurturing My Soul

“Now, more than ever, it is important to nurture my soul” 

-Adventure 

17 years ago today I lost friends, co-workers and a lover in a plane crash.  I miss and love them all dearly.  

So much has happened since that day.  

In fact, so much has happened in just one year.  A year ago, today, I worked my last shift, promptly had to recover from bronchitis and pneumonia, and two weeks later began a journey that would have me doing figure eights around this country.  

Today, I find myself back where I started a year ago.  I sit here contemplating my life story, attempting to write a book about my adventures while simultaneously moving forward in my life.  It feels very surreal.  And at times, overwhelming.  

My emotions lately have been on overdrive.  It can be exhausting.  It’s also very therapeutic and healing.  And I give myself the time and space to “feel”.   I don’t hide from my feelings…. they are actually my super power!  

Which is why now, more than ever, it is important to nurture my soul. 

Nurturing my soul takes many forms.  It is important for me to eat well, get enough rest, move my body, spend time meditating, and be creative.  The important thing is to listen to my soul.  To really listen.  And to do what needs to be done.  And sometimes that something is spending time on my yoga mat.  Sometimes it’s making a delicious healthy meal.  Sometimes it’s simply weeping and feeling.  Sometimes it’s getting up and dancing.  Sometimes it’s volunteering.  Sometimes it’s running.  Sometimes….it’s always changing.  Just like life.  

Life is amazing and a blessing.  But sometimes life is hard, confusing and quite shitty.  It’s important to nurture your soul. It brings you back to center.  It helps you to cope.  It helps you to keep moving forward by simply being present in the now.  This is especially helpful when your mind is stuck in the past or anxious about the future. Or both at the same time…ugh.

When nurturing your soul, remember to be kind to yourself.  You deserve to be cared for, loved and happy.  We all do.  

It’s up to us to be the change in this world we want to see.  Well, I want a world where nurturing our souls is the normal.  So that’s what I’m doing. It’s not always pretty, especially when snot is running down my face on to my yoga mat.  But I’m here, nurturing my soul.  And I am grateful for this time and space.

Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

Today

Today was joyful and full of unexpected adventures.  Today was filled with here and now moments.  Today smelled of rain, of freshness.  Today energy flowed mindfully, energetically, thru spirit from the heavens deep in to the earth.  Healing happened.  Aliveness surrounded me.  Awareness.  Oneness.  Hold the vibration, Adventure.  This is who you really are, my love.  

What’s next…

After hitting rock bottom, what’s next?!? 

First of all I want to thank everyone who sent me words of encouragement to keep on going.  I have felt your love surround me and lift me up.  I appreciate all of you more than you know.  

I am taking each day one at a time.  And even within the day, I’m taking it moment by moment.  Sometimes that’s all you can do!

Looking too far into the future and being stuck in the past are what causes my mind to spin out of control.  So I am literally working on being in this moment.  

Spending time in nature just being is a great start!  

I have lots to look forward to…but even it is overwhelming to me right now.  So this breath, right now, is dedicated to this moment.  I am here…and that is enough.  

Keep doing your thing and enjoy this adventure called life!

Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255

Even happy people can find themselves in a spiraling mind fuck.  

There are a million reasons why we may feel death is a better option than where we are right now.  And I’m not here to tell you which option is better.  I am here to tell you that there are people who are willing to listen without judgement to your story.  Because sometimes all it takes is having someone listen to give you a new perspective, some hope, to feel loved. 

If you are contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone.  The National Suicide Prevention Line is: 1-800-273-8255

Most people see me as a happy-go-lucky girl.  Floating through life on a spiritual journey, saving the world one hug at a time.  And on most days, I see myself that way too.  

On Monday night however, I found myself in the middle of a parking lot, hugging a tree, balling my eyes out, begging the universe to show me a sign to keep moving forward. My mind had given up on me.  My mind had spun out of control telling me all the reasons to give up.  I frantically went through my list of contacts contemplating who to call, who could rescue me, who could tell me to not give up.  My mind convinced me it was better to not worry anyone.  So I didn’t call you.  I didn’t text you.  I didn’t reach out.  

Instead, I found myself in a pool of tears, wrapped around a tree praying to the universe for a sign.  

What’s interesting is how not one person that passed me, stopped.  Not even the cop that drove by.  Maybe they thought I was just meditating or a crazy tree hugger.  Regardless, my mind viewed each passer-byer as another sign to give up.  

The only thing I had going for me was my refusal to carry a gun on this trip..and a couple of really good friends who happened to reach out to me at that very moment.   

And in that moment, I told each of them I was struggling.  They both told me they loved me.  One told me she was breathing with me and it was okay to cry and let it all out.  

So I did.  I held onto that tree and weeped until all that was left was exhaustion.  Then I crawled into my car and went to sleep. 

I’m doing much better.  Thank you.

I contemplated whether or not to write this.  I know this will cause some of you to worry about me.  Please don’t spend your thoughts and energy on worry.  Instead, please think positive thoughts.  I survived.  I am moving forward. My mind and I are working things out.  

It is important to me to post this because I realized how important it is to reach out to others.  

I did not call the suicide hotline because the number wasn’t in my phone.  It’s in there now.  I advise you to do the same.  You never know when you may be browsing your contacts looking for someone to help.  

Thanks for listening and feel free to repost.  

Love and hugs, Adventure Mel

Acadia

One of my bucket list items was to be in Maine in Autumn. So when I found out there was a National Park there, I knew exactly where I was headed. I just didn’t know what or who I would find.

When I arrived, I headed straight to the visitor center. There, I climbed the 52 stairs (which btw is not handicap accessible…not sure who designed that), made my way past the crowded lines and grabbed a map. The peopley-ness, my hunger, and my exhaustion from the long drive made a perfect combination for my anxiety to kick in. I scurried to my car and focused on my breath. After consulting the park map, I decided my best and safest option would be to find a campground. So I did. 

Once I found my camp spot in the Backwoods Campground, I made some food and studied the shuttle route map. Acadia National Park offers free shuttles (busses) around the island. Which is great except there are 7 different routes and limited times for all of them. Limited because apparently Fall is their slow season. In fact they don’t run at all mid October till sometime in Spring. So as I’m studying this map, I realize if I’m going to attempt to make the large loop around the campground, I’m going to have to catch the bus in 15 min. Then I’m going to have to change busses mid way. And if I get off to explore, I may get stuck walking back to camp. My anxiety was still present and I contemplated just crawling in my car and going to sleep and trying again the next day. As I debated with myself, I packed a bag with my camera, water, snacks, a warm hat and my headlamp. Then I grabbed my maps and headed to the bus stop. With a deep breath and anxiety still lurking, I climbed onto the number 3 bus. 

At some point I decided I was going to just see what happens despite my anxiety…

Finding a seat was not a problem.  There was an older couple and the driver…and me.  Some panic resided.  As we sat waiting, the couple spoke with the driver while I consulted my maps.  Confused by the overlapping routes, I politely interrupted the conversation to get some clarification.  

“Excuse me? Am I interpreting this map correctly?” I brought the map to the front and explained what I wanted to do. “If I get off this bus at this spot,” pointing at Sieur de Monts “can I catch the number 4 bus?”

The driver glanced at her watch, “well usually, yes.” She shut the door, started the bus up and continued explaining as she departed the stop.  “See right now that location is under construction.  So neither bus actually stops there right now.  But I’m gonna call the other driver and let him know to expect you.”

I sat back not sure where my anxiety level was.  But I was thankful for the help of the driver.  

When we arrived at Sieur de Mont, the driver turned to me and said. “Oh, so see that parking lot?”

I glanced across the street and nodded. 

“There’s a trail over there.  You will need to follow it thru the woods to another parking lot.  Then find the main road.  That is where he’ll pick you up.  You’ll want to hurry as he should be there in 10 or 15 minutes.”

Oh great.  My anxiety skyrocketed. With sweaty palms and heartbeat racing, I somehow managed to thank her and find my way to the parking lot.  I even waived as she and the couple drove away.  

As I searched for the trail, my chest began to squeeze.  Being under a time crunch was taking hold of me and pumping anxiety thru my blood.  I wanted to just sit down and cry.  And then I saw a person emerge from the other side of the parking lot.   

I rushed over to the man. “Is there a trail here?”

“Yes. It’s on the other side of that tree.  It’s difficult to see until you’re right on it.  But it’s there.” He assured me.  I thanked him, wished him a good day and made my way.  

The trail starts off by a pond.  I stopped and took a couple pictures.  My camera seemed to calm me.  At least for a few minutes.  

After my brief calmness I turned to read the trail sign for some clue that I was indeed on the right path.  The trail split.  One way went to the woods around the pond and the other deep into the woods.  Crap.  Which way do I go? I took a deep breath and headed deep in the woods as if I had just flipped a coin.  Feeling like time was running out, I began running.  

Anyone who has ever gone trail running with me knows I love it.  And that I run like a child on a playground.  Flailing arms, hopping over stumps and rocks, and lots of giggling.  Very different from track or street running where I’m focused on technique.  Trail running in the woods is where I find easy and delightful grounding.  My anxiety began to float away.  

At the end of the trail, I happend upon a parking lot with a building and a bunch of construction equipment.  Phew! I think I choose correctly.  I followed the signs to the main road.  No bus.  Just me, the road, and a bunch of trees.  

As I waited, I looked around and began taking pictures.  I even crawled down in a ditch to get a better angle.  And that’s when I heard the bus.  As I climbed out of the ditch, I waived at the bus driver. He slowed down and I successfully stepped on to the number 4 bus.

The bus had the driver, an old hippie looking guy and a man with two young children…and now me. I took a seat on the right side as everyone else was on the left.  Not that this mattered but it made me feel a little more balanced.  

The hippie looking guy kept glancing back at me. I smiled at him and then buried my head in my map.  

“Did you just come from the woods?” He inquired.  

I smiled, glanced out the window and back at the man, “yup.”

He proceded to ask me several more questions.  It was obvious I wasn’t going to be able to concentrate on my map, so I gave into the conversation.   

“Hi, I’m Jerry!” He proceeded to tell me how he was newly retired, bought a van and is traveling the country. “Some days I might go as far as 50 miles.” He was practicing slowing down and enjoying each day.  He had met many other travelers and was delighted he met me. He told me how he had recently been in NH and decided to drive up Mount Washington.  It was there that he learned what virtigo was and that he had it.  So to ensure he could make the drive around Acadia, he decided it was in his best interest to take the shuttle tour.  And that’s how he ended up on the number 4 bus. “And then this woman emerged from the damn woods and here you are!”

I was amused by this guy.  But I was still cautious and my anxiety wasn’t fully gone.  So I invited Jerry to continue our conversation at the next stop, Jordan Pond.  I figured if I needed to ditch him, I could do so there.  

Ditch him I did not.  In fact that old hippie kinda guy, who insisted he was not a hippie but rather a biker (with hippie values), and I enjoyed each other’s company so much, we spent the next 5 days exploring that island together.  And now we are friends for life!! 

I am so thankful I just kept going despite my anxiety.  Here are just some of the many things we discovered in Acadia:

I am love. I choose joy.

Most people when they meet me see a balanced human/spiritual being.  I am a lot of fun to be around and a great listener.  As I let people in near me, they see another side of me.  

I have been out of balance and not centered most of my life.  I have struggled with anxiety, depression and manic bouts of moodiness.  It has destroyed every relationship I have been in and strained many friendships.  Its that “thing” about me I’ve been trying to “fix” my whole life.

So the beginning of this year I took some time off to travel, clear my mind, meditate, be with nature and reconnect.  I have been on the road for 42 weeks.  I would love to tell you I have all my ducks in a row and that I fully understand my chakras and that my emotions are stable and that yati yati ya… I want to say “I fixed me”.  

But how do you fix something that is not actually broken?!? 

You see, I thought if I could just do this or just do that everything would magically fall into place and I would somehow…not be me.  And then all my relationships would be blissful and I would live happily ever after.

Ha! Hahahahahahaha.  Oh boy! Ha ha ha!! Snort. Ha ha ha!! Hold on while I laugh at myself!!!

Here is what I have learned about myself and those “things” I have struggled with:

• I am a spiritual being having a human experience 
• My human mind is a sponge for information 
• The information my mind collects, if repeated enough, becomes my truth, my reality and my life.
• I am an emotional human being 
• My emotions are windows into my mind and the experience I am having as a human being
• My emotions do not define me.  
• I am completely whole just as I am
• I am love.
• I choose joy.

So what does that all mean and how does this apply to “fixing” the unbroken?!?

First off I don’t believe I’m broken.  I am just having a human experience.  Those manic emotions, including anxiety and depression, that seem to get in the way of everything…they are clues. Something is different.  Notice I didn’t say something is “wrong”.  This is huge! At least for me.  

So what’s different?  Well for me to really know, my human self needs to listen to my spiritual self.   And the only way I know how to do that, is to connect with my breath, to scan my body for pain and to identify which emotion(s) I am experiencing.  This means I have to observe my mind without judgement.  

Let me take a second to just say I have been observing my mind nearly non-stop since I began this journey.  I have been observing my mind to understand my triggers and to change past behaviors.  It is difficult when its spinning out of control and causing my emotions to explode, to not judge my thoughts and the emotions attached to them.  And let me also say it is possible!!  Especially if I can remember that although I am an emotional human being, my emotions do not define me.  

By connecting with my breath, I bring my awareness to the present moment.  This allows me to scan my body.  What I’m looking for are signs of pain.  This is a good indication that my chakras are out of balance.  Now I am relatively new to understanding my chakras and there was a time in my life where I didn’t believe in them.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  And with easy access to the interweb, I can simply type in “shoulder neck pain chakra” and easily find out it is connected to my throat chakra.  And I can do the same thing for my emotions.  

The second thing is my mind believes everything it hears.  It’s a sponge. It’s job is to gather information and use it to protect me. The problem is, it believes everything it hears.  Hense why the “news” is a great way to brainwash or mind control other humans.  Again, it’s difficult to not judge my mind and want to “fix” it. But in reality, my mind is doing its job.

So how do I “fix” something that’s not broken? The solution is in the problem…my mind believes everything thing it hears!  

Every chance I remember that I am a spiritual being having an emotional human experience, I repeat to myself “I am love. I choose joy.” So I am essentially re-programming my mind.  

Does it help? Yes. Do I always remember…eventually.

The third part of this “fixing” equation is pausing before reacting to give myself time to respond.  In doing so it gives me time.  Time to connect with my breath.  Time to scan my body and balance my chakras. Time to observe my mind and emotions. And time to respond instead of reacting.  

Now I’m pretty good at remembering to put in to practice all of the above when I am alone.  And it is just that, practice.  I’m actually quite good at balancing myself. But throw another person in the mix, especially someone I love …that’s a bit harder for me.  Probably because I become so attached, I foget I am completely whole just as I am.  And I take EVERYTHING personally.  Which is exhausting.  And not helpful.  They too are a spiritual being having a human experience. Nothing they say or do has anything to do with me, really.  So really when I feel offended or hurt by someone else, it would be great to remember it’s an opportunity to practice balancing myself.  

I am love. I choose joy.

Thanks for listening.  Love and hugs, Adventure Mel